As I look back on old journal entries, I started wondering if there was ever a time that I was truly happy. My heart has always been filled with so much love but my thoughts were dismal. So much pain and sadness concentrated in one place for so many years. I thank God that He healed me from a lot of that hurt but if I am to be honest, a lot of the situations that plagued me then, still remain.
It’s been 15 years since I wrote my first official journal entry, 15 years crying over the same things, 15 years of wondering if I’ll ever be free, 15 years of waiting for everything to be perfect. And so, I’ve missed so much that has happened in 15 years. But though I have lost- all is not lost. I have nothing now as I had nothing then, and still I have so much. I have chased and chased, caught nothing and yet found everything or should I say everything found me. Sure there are things that could certainly be better but I am pretty sure it’s not just me.
Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it. ~Kevyn Aucoin
I’ve learned that my physical, emotional and mental health is important. Spirituality is important. Love is important; having that network of support and trust is significant. Meaningful friendships are important, no matter how few. Fresh air is important. Adventures are important, no matter how small. New books are important, can be expensive (lol) but important nontheless. Although, I make my way to the community library most times to borrow a couple.
I am content on most days and I have peace. I value that piece highly and protect it fiercely. Everything else that can and will come will only add to my peace. I try my best to feed myself positivity, light, life, love and laughter. Things are nice but things come and things go. I pursue a deeper fulfillment, something that clicks and connects.
As I read my contemplations of 15 years, I realize how much I have metamorphosed, how much I don’t care about certain things anymore and home much I desire to do with the little that I have. I am HAPPY with that.